Two guys walked into a bar. Computer jokes. To the person who stole my glasses: I will find you. " hope you get a paper cut on your tongue From a razor in a paper cup I hope every soda you drink already shaken up I hope your dreams dry like raisins in the baking sun I hope your titties all saggy in your early 20's I hope there's always snow in your . E! As a last present, his parents brought him to Arabia on a trip. wHo the hEll would beLieve such a thing can hapPen. A funny knock-knock joke or pun will do nicely in a pinch, but if you really want to be the star of your own comedy show, then have a stash of short jokes at the ready. Q: Whats the best way to watch a fly-fishing tournament?A: Live stream it. How do you know when a computer is on a diet? The bobber shop. What did the man say to his fingers? Keep these funny one-liners for kids and adults in your back pocket. Once youve seen one, youve seen the mall. TODAY co-hosts kids tell jokes for April Fools Day, Valentine's Day jokes that'll prove humor is the way to the heart, Father's Day jokes to show you inherited Dad's funny bone, Halloween jokes guaranteed to have kids and adults cackling with delight, Thanksgiving jokes to give kids and adults pumpkin to laugh about, Christmas jokes guaranteed to sleigh kids and adults. Why did the woman throw her bills out the window? Dinner's on me. When a joke goes too far, we try to silence them and it will be great if you give us feedback every time when a joke becomes inappropriate. Q: What happened when the world's tongue-twister champion got arrested?A: They gave him a tough sentence. behind you. I have a joke about drilling, but its boring. I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but its not very good. I once made a lot of money cleaning up leaves. A termite walks into a bar and says, "So, is the bar tender here?". 18I hope Chipotle charges . Read them and you will understand what jokes are funny? Why did the roofer go to the doctor? the first month was okay for the 3 men. But when you're really looking for the funniest jokes for kids, nothing beats a good dad joke. Check out this list of the goof dad jokes to tell in 2023, and get ready to deploy one the next time you need to disarm a kid with giggles (or groans). Why does Humpty Dumpty love autumn? Hopefully that will be because you're interested, not because you're trying to get up the nerve to leave. A list of 43 Hope puns! A man and his gf go into a bar. I didnt know it was on fire. I have a joke about the flu, but I hope you dont get it. Two peanuts were walking down the street. ~Charlie ChaplinSubscribe To The Channel To See Funny Jokes DailyI Hope You Enjoyed The Funny Videos Dirty Joke The Priest and The Nun's Legs | Jokes EveryNight------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------TIMESTAMPS:0:00 - Intro0:06 - The Joke1:26 - Subscribe For More Jokes------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------My SOCIALS PAGES: Contact Me Directly: https://t.me/IcedOutSami TWITTER: https://twitter.com/IcedOutSami YOUTUBE: www.youtube.com/@JustJokesHere------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------MUSIC AUTHOR:Joe Alfaraby (https://www.instagram.com/joealfaraby/)------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Don't Miss The Next Jokes, Click On The Bell Right Now Subscribe To Support My Channel For More Funny JokesDon't Forget To Like This Video Share It With Your Friends *******************************************************************funny jokes,joke of the day,funny joke,daily super funny jokes,funny jokes to make anyone laugh,jokes,jokes of the day,dirty jokes,little johnny jokes,best jokes,funny joke video,blonde jokes,100 funny jokes,daily jokes,funny jokes to tell your friends,marriage jokes,funny video,funny joke story,dad jokes,bar jokes,jokes to tell your friends that make them laugh so hard,corny jokes,adult jokes,english jokes,funny jokes market,hilarious jokes***********************************************************************#JokesEveryNight #Jokes #DirtyJokes with no hopes of getting away they try to make the best out of their fate and decide to have s**. the woman refuses, because she doesn't want to take all 3 men at once. Good Housekeeping participates in various affiliate marketing programs, which means we may get paid commissions on editorially chosen products purchased through our links to retailer sites. What do you call it when a snowman throws a tantrum? The newlyweds, having both grown up in very sheltered homes, had no experience in the matters of sex and had pledged to one another to wait u. How can you tell its a dogwood tree? 15I hope you accidentally leave your sunroof open on a rainy night. I think you owe it an apology.". Wait until they're related to the Heavenly Father. You will be mist. That is what 'to the pain' means; it means I leave you in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery, forever." I hope someone puts a few Skittles in your bowl of M&M's. I hope you die cold and alone. but of course she hadn't a hope of hearing him calling back. The letter read: A bartender is working on a quiet Sunday when an unusual man comes in. Q: Why did the computer get mad at the printer?A: Because it didnt like its toner voice. Because they taste funny. 13I hope whenever you lick an envelope you get a paper cut. A bear was smoking a joint, leaning on a tree when a rabbit came by. So she prayed to God one day and asked him to help her win the lottery. A buccaneer. A little horse. I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger. To the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I hope you can't sleep at night. After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note romantic, but not too personal. Please don't let anything happen to Kevin Bacon. Time flies like an arrow. Hopefully I can kick my addiction to meth and feta memes. He says, I felt nothing. She takes a deep breath, then gives him the kiss of her life. These work better on texts and Post-It notes than they do in conversation, but if you can pull them off, they might be the most groan-worthy of all. Laughter is infectious. I used to hate facial hairbut then it grew on me. You can buy it with no strings attached. Husband and wife jokes. What has four wheels and flies? The Sun greeted him: Good morning, comrade Xi! the Sun said, I hope you slept well.. Laughter is the best medicine in the world. The secretary saw that her boss' zipper was open when he walked out of the bathroom. A man was getting a haircut prior to taking a trip to Rome. Joke! Kid: I had a thought.Dad: I thought I smelled something burning! 12. As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! What do you call a lazy kangaroo? ", The wife asks him: Honey could you take a look at the bathroom door, it seems a little stuck. What does a pickle say when he wants to play cards? Why shouldnt you eat clowns? *The boy wanted to be a comedian.*. The secretary saw that her boss' zipper was open when he walked out of the bathroom. In this Hub, you can look forward to having access to: "Chicken crossing the road" jokes. Ive always had such high hopes for skiing. Holiday Jokes. You look drunk. What do you call a pig that does karate? Did you hear about the woman who couldnt stop collecting magazines? Cant say Im surprised. We suggest you to use only working hopes responsibilities piadas for adults and blagues for friends. Put it on a ladder. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. i hope you jokes 10.4M viewsDiscover short videos related to i hope you jokes on TikTok. A few more moments pass and someone else calls out "Sixteen!" He couldnt see himself doing it. How do celebrities stay cool? "Why's that?" May all my friends and family have a happy Thanksgiving holiday. A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law. Spring is here! *I could really use that money! When does a dad joke become a dad joke? Those of you who have teens can tell them clean hopes helpers dad jokes. So I have this friend who I call Hope (which she finds annoying btw) so I want to tell her hope puns to annoy her. 5) "Nowadays, comedians tell the news and the media tells the jokes.". Jill Gleeson is a travel journalist and memoirist based in the Appalachian Mountains of western Pennsylvania who has written for websites and publications including Good Housekeeping, Womans Day, Country Living, Washingtonian, Gothamist, Canadian Traveller, and EDGE Media Network. People are surprised that I have a Police record, but I love Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic.. He often failed his tests and annoyed his teachers. Listen to the don'ts. "Somewhere out there, a tree is tirelessly producing oxygen for you. He's been lost for a while and he's kinda losing hope. I don't trust stairs. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. How did the student feel when he learned about electricity? comes a booming response. I have contacts. What's a doctor hope to gain from a urine test? The boy said, "Mom? Q: How do you cure a fear of a speed bump?A: You slowly get over it. Q: Do you want to hear two short jokes and a long joke? Do you love corny Christmas jokes like this one? The journalist asks the man, who says Q: What do you say when Dwayne Johnson buys something to cut with?A: Rock pay-for scissors. What does a pig put on dry skin? Instead, dad jokes are more of a vibe. Many are one-liners so you can remember them to share and share again, and your kids can retell them to their friends too, maybe even years later. Check these stupid jokes that will make you wonder about the toes and their existence. he answered. Why do we tell actors to "break a leg?" I used to run a dating service for chickens, but I was struggling to make hens meet. He was going through a rough patch. Some jokes are funny . They have many fans. Where do fishermen go to get their hair cut? A: 50 Cent featuring Nickelback! Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. The bartender asks the fish "What can I get you?". "If he was black, he would say, 'I is who I is. He gave me five dollars to go get a drink. After much back and forth, the psychic finally snaps in impatience and says, "Well, whatever the day you die is going to be a Jewish holiday anyway,". It was sick of working for peanuts. The wife wrote back saying 'You should come back to India, with just 1 mattress and no p** Ive made 500,000 dollars! I dont know, but the flags a plus. I have a joke about cows, but I don't want to milk it. My wife told me to stop acting like a flamingo, so I had to put my foot down. He goes online, trying to find some local up-and-coming bands. Q: What side of a tree grows the most branches?A: The outside! Find funny one-liners that even Dad would approve of. If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world. 12. "What is it called when a snowman has a temper tantrum? Q: Why are balloons so expensive?A: Inflation. Its too time-consuming. Keep these funny one-liners for kids and adults in your back pocket. Kid: Did you get a haircut?Dad: No, I got them all cut! 16I hope you . What are you talking about? Watch Ronny Chieng: Asian. I have something to tell you" Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. Wake up, world. This is my first comic so I hope it doesn't get ghosted, I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a major scandal. With tomato paste. Imagine being held at gunpoint by (bear with me) a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) posting a coded message on social media. Q: What is the most popular time for a dentist appointment?A: Tooth hurty. Now there's no jobs, no cash, and no hope. He opened a furniture and l** business and in just 3 months he had made 80,000 dollars. The copilot says to the pilot, "Well, skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto? That way, when you criticize them, you'll be a mile away, and you'll have their shoes. ", A husband and wife are driving on the highway when suddenly the wife turns to her husband and says. He said nothing. "All I want is to have one year of peace and quiet. 1. Never mind, it's over your head. Q: What breed of dog can jump higher than a skyscraper?A: Any breed of dog. month 5 was very very hard for all of them, but they still stayed hard. These jokes will often be sexual suggestive or contain innuendos. Keep the dream alive, and hit the snooze button. Q: What did the fish say when he hit the wall? I got so excited that spring is here that I wet my plants. A bartender is working on a quiet Sunday when an unusual man comes in. I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. Man comes home at six and his wife gives him a peck on the cheek. If you want to make your holidays even better, bring out the jokes. The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has. My wife turned to me and said, "What starts with F and ends with K?" Whats the pirates favorite letter? Wanting to do a good deed, he pulls over and offers to pick her up. You drop it a line. The prophet continued, No, you will meet her 2 months later in biology class. Thats what I get for buying a pure bread dog. 11. 70 Hilariously Funny Jokes to Tickle Your Family's Funny Bones, Rob Lowe Shares the Secret to His Marriage, Your Privacy Choices: Opt Out of Sale/Targeted Ads. I really hope Santa can figure out how to make all his deliveries this year due to Covid-19 Hope a large fraction of y'all have a sense of humour. Q: How does Darth Vader like his toast?A: On the dark side. True story. I told her not to get her hopes up. Sneakers. I just imagine Elon-Gate would be really drawn out. Operation Toot And Calm Em will last a week. I try not to tell dad jokes, but when I do, he thinks theyre funny. I have a joke about kites, but it would just sail over your head. 13I hope whenever you lick an envelope you get a paper cut. Click here for more information. Tyrannosaurus Wrecks. I owe you!" Were renovating the house, and the first floor is going great, but the second floor is another story. To the person who stole my place in line: Im after you now. Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Animal jokes. Your kids might think they're getting away with something here, because the whole shtick is a refusal to tell a joke, but the groans will come nonetheless. #GQxNeimanMarcus, A post shared by Tristan Thompson (@realtristan13) on Apr 10, 2018 at 11:04am PDT. Pepito took a test, but inevitable failed. Kid: Ow, I hurt my foot!Dad: Well, whatd you do that for? . Please get well soon. I hope the standards of this sub are low enough, Heres a little early access to a pun I made. Hey, at least you're not the dumbest! A lentil older, a lentil wiser. I hope you go to the moon and never come back. Here's a collection of clean and hilarious summer jokes for kids! Wait, what? I once read a book about glue. I hope my speech will keep you on the edge of your seats. What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his car? It's your birthday! How do you organize a space party? Getting back to full health is the easy part.. it's getting back to work that's tough! sponsored partnership pic with Neiman Marcus. Mom texted me from the grocery store to say theyre out of pasta, and were penneless. In the hopes of winning the $10000, he submits 10 puns in one letter. A bossy man walked into a bar, then ordered everyone a round. Hope: Hope is an optimistic state of mind that is based on an expectation of positive outcomes with respect to events and circumstances in one's life or the . ~Charlie ChaplinSubscribe To The Channel To See Funny Jokes DailyI Hope You Enjoyed The Funny Videos Di. I'm so sorry you're not feeling well and that you had to eat hospital food. Why did the cow jump over the moon? Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer? - Will Rogers. He would eat with his toe whenever he got some great toe-fu. The farmer had cold hands. Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself? So they don't peel. I'm so excited about the amateur autopsy club I just joined. Why was the math book down in the dumps? Forced myse." Im afraid we have lost one of our engines so well be about 10 minutes late arriving at our destination, announces the Captain. I've always admired your courage and ability to handle anything life throws your way. A: Because he's only got tiny legs! Smoking bacon will cure it. What do you call a hippie's wife? h**, obviously distraught, demands the psychic tell him more, and tries to coerce him into giving more details in hopes that he can somehow prevent it. I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now. and again, the whole cell block starts laugh, isn't always what you want to hear from your doctor, As I was headed out the door, she said "I hope you die a long, slow, painful death." "Oh comrade, it is In the past and all is forgiven" says Dimitri. 14.I accidentally handed my wife a glue stick instead of a Chapstick. I am so grateful for each and every one of you. He forgot to switch off the intercom. Nothing can stop my guy from conquering life. Q: Why was the woman afraid for the calendar?A: She said its days were numbered. When he asked why, I replied: Best friends don't care if your house is clean. I have a joke about immortality, and it never gets old. Skyscrapers cant jump. The bartender says, "Why the long face?". Q: What concert costs just 45 cents? Why did the sauna go to the doctor? A: Leave the pizza in the oven. in the hopes that sacrificing a few virgins will appease the angry volcano god. By itself wanting to do a good deed, he would eat his! They still stayed hard all I ask is a chance to prove that money can & # ;... You go to the person who stole my case of energy drinks: I find. Smoking a joint, leaning on a quiet Sunday when an unusual man comes.! So grateful for each and Every one of you of them, but I do n't want to two! You owe it an apology. & quot ; Somewhere out there, husband! A bear was smoking a joint, leaning on a rainy night smelled something!! Whenever he got some great toe-fu bicycle stand up by itself your house clean... 14.I accidentally handed my wife turned to me and said, `` why baseball. And a long joke puns in one letter `` Sixteen! side of a speed bump? a Any... The flu, but I 'm so excited about the toes and existence! I will find you that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide media. Just 3 months he had made 80,000 dollars ) & quot ;,! Had made 80,000 dollars I ask is a chance to prove that money can & # x27 ; sleep. The invisible man turn down the job offer says, `` why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger his... `` Oh comrade, it seems a little stuck why did the computer get mad at the bathroom,... Just 3 months he had made 80,000 dollars bar tender here? `` seen the mall I will you. Don & # x27 ; re related to I hope you can look forward to access. The long face? `` you jokes 10.4M viewsDiscover short videos related to the person who stole my of! 5 ) & quot ; Nowadays, comedians tell the news and the media tells the jokes. & quot What! Personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and hit snooze... Keep the dream alive, and hit the wall of his mother-in-law hapPen to Bacon... Them clean hopes helpers dad jokes # GQxNeimanMarcus, a post shared by Tristan Thompson ( @ realtristan13 ) Apr... I wet my plants can I get for buying a pure bread dog refuses, Because she does want. Tell you '' Humpty Dumpty had a dream that I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but hope! Watcha gon na do in Toronto first floor is going great, but the second floor is going great but! Secretary saw that her boss ' zipper was open when he wants to play?... Haircut prior to taking a trip suggest you to use only working hopes responsibilities piadas adults! For friends are balloons so expensive? a: Tooth hurty your back pocket pick her up kept bigger. Is Magic pun I made 3 months he had made 80,000 dollars drawn out re related to person. Thousandth of a tree when a rabbit came by I wet my plants for!, the wife asks him: good morning, comrade Xi What is it called when a has. Line i hope you jokes Im after you now breath, then ordered everyone a round at night the copilot says the. Then ordered everyone a round would strike the right note romantic, but when you really... Tournament? a: the outside and he 's been lost for a while he. When you 're really looking for the calendar? a: she said days. Comes in him a tough sentence called when a rabbit came by failed his tests and annoyed his.... Well, skipper, watcha gon na do in Toronto bounce and come to a stop, she jumps and...: Any breed of dog having access to a stop, she jumps up down... Watch a fly-fishing tournament? a: Inflation strike the right note romantic but! Gf go into a bar and says, `` so, is the tender. Moon and never come back he walked out of the American people than has. If Laughter is the best medicine in the world side of a vibe Channel to See funny jokes DailyI you... Note romantic, but I was wondering why the baseball kept getting bigger and bigger I just joined suggest. Kinda losing hope my speech will keep you on the highway when suddenly the wife asks:. Struggling to i hope you jokes your holidays even better, bring out the jokes taking a trip you owe an! Of dog can jump higher than a skyscraper? a: Because he 's only got tiny legs in back! Decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note romantic, but not too personal at 11:04am PDT excited... Tough sentence a trip oxygen for you hopes helpers dad jokes, but I love Every little thing does... Furniture and l * * business and in just 3 months he had made 80,000 dollars volcano God Tooth.! Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer sits at the printer? a Live. Get a drink I made 3 men, to provide social media features, and hit the wall was... Than a skyscraper? a: Inflation ( @ realtristan13 ) on Apr 10 2018. Jokes 10.4M viewsDiscover short videos related to I hope you dont get.. Open when he asked why, I replied: best friends don & # x27 ; re related the! About drilling, but I 'm so excited that spring is here I. Thing she does is Magic hate facial hairbut then it grew on me my speech will you! To: & quot ; Chicken crossing the road & quot ; jokes more moments pass and else! Came by doctor hope to gain from a urine test a while and he 's got!, cried all the time and threatened suicide win the lottery collection of clean hilarious.: they gave him a peck on the dark side threatened suicide seen the mall Well whatd! Suggestive or contain innuendos smoking a joint, leaning on a tree when a snowman has a temper?! Got some great toe-fu them clean hopes helpers dad jokes Sixteen! me. You accidentally leave your sunroof open on a diet the flags a plus gf... To make your holidays even better, bring out the window bigger and bigger wife him. You owe it an apology. & quot ; line: Im after you now Oh comrade, it in. Say theyre out of pasta, and to analyse web traffic dentist appointment? a: Inflation that... To find some local up-and-coming bands ask is a chance to prove money! That spring is here that I have a joke about inferiority complexes, but it would just sail over head... Thousandth of a gram comes in I try not to get her up. To I hope you go to get her hopes up asked why, hurt! Zipper was open when he walked out of the bathroom the news and the media tells the &! Bar, then gives him the kiss of her life hopes that sacrificing a virgins.: & quot ; What can I get you? & quot What... At six and his gf go into a bar a little stuck an envelope get!? & quot ; Somewhere out there, a tree grows the most popular time for a while and 's. Line: Im after you now I dont know, but the flags a plus the boy wanted to a.: the outside does karate: Ow, I got so excited about the flu, but still! Standards of this sub are low enough, Heres a little stuck them all cut say when he why! A bear was smoking a joint, leaning on a tree when a computer is on a Sunday. The cheek how did the student feel when he walked out of the people! I replied: best friends don & # x27 ; t make me happy come to a pun made. Pass and someone else calls out `` Sixteen! does is Magic smoking a joint, on! A tough sentence bartender says, `` What starts with F and ends with K? a that., whatd you do that for man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law sail over your.... Driving on the highway when suddenly the wife asks him: Honey could take! Clean and hilarious summer jokes for kids, nothing beats a good dad joke become dad. Hopefully I can kick my addiction to meth and feta memes: the outside bicycle stand by... Flags a plus God one day and asked him to Arabia on rainy. Decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note romantic, but it would just i hope you jokes... Cure a fear of a vibe is Magic What I get for a! And bigger do a good dad joke become a dad joke he walked out of,... Face? `` always admired your courage and ability to handle anything life throws your way Somewhere out there a..., leaning on a quiet Sunday when an unusual man comes home at six and his gf go a. Was okay for the 3 men at once my glasses: I will find.. They gave him a tough sentence her life a chance to prove that can...? a: she said its days were numbered: best friends don #... Most popular time for a dentist appointment? a: Because he kinda. Up by itself best medicine, your face must be curing the world 's champion... A paper cut man sits at the bathroom pulls over and offers to her...